Case Number #2

[Neil Warner]

Hi, Neil again!
Great answers, and many thanks for all your contributions.
In the previous case we saw how to re-frame a conflict situation that does not seem to be giving us what we want.
Today we will look at Linda again. We will see what she did try, as a way to get his attention:

“Now, my coping method focuses on clearly expressing what I feel and need, regardless of him paying attention or not…I try not to raise my voice; speak in a normal tone of voice, not yelling, with an attitude that is not demanding anything from him. I only express my point of view over and over, very clearly.”

This type of communication is at least allowing her to express her feelings without calling for a confrontation. If done correctly it will at least eliminate much of the crying and yelling.

If used in conjunction with ‘I’ statements such as ‘I feel ‘ and ‘I need’, it’s half a way through…
Question for you:
What are the chances for this method to work for her?
What else she could try to get Him understand what she wants?

That’s it for now…
Neil

Please leave you comments Below:

[norafem]

In this example, I’m happy that Linda is able to articulate clearly her feelings, and to express what she wants in a direct way. So many times, confusion in couple communications become entangled by confusing declarations and chopped phrases that force the other person to guess…It’s nice when the guesses are correct (means that the other person “really gets us”) but when it is wrong, is very painful…produces the feeling of not being understood by the person we care the most.
So, let’s work on saying clearly what we need or want!

[Anonymous]

nothing but to ask if he understands what u r needing

[Anonymous]

I agree with the I, when, because, communication style but do find it hard to remember to use. I really need to be able to step back from the situation and take a deep breath, talk calmly and get my partner to be quiet long enough for me to be able to finish. Tryiing to stick to the one topic is also hard work as for my part I usually have several greviences and for his part changing the subfect is his best form of defense. I find this an emotionally draining exercise. I agree with Doug getting some one to repeat back what you have said/meant is a good idea then you know if they have understood you. Then if they havent you can wear your self out trying to get them to under stand you while they play the dumb game. Or if your lucky they will get it.

[norafem]

Hi Donna,
well, I can see that your comments are based on a lot of personal experience. What can I say to change that?
I’ve found that I’m responsible for my own behavior; if I can do one topic at the time, and repeat my own situation on that issue, without veering around to other grievances, is when you have the most impact.
It is a great lack of skills, and we have never told anything but to answer “fire with fire” which only escalates disputes. It is really difficult to tell yourself: “Stop answering insult with insult” and change gears, because we get an emotional reward when we fight back. We feel satisfied with “defending ourselves” which is OK if you are not going to see the person any more (like in a dispute with the taxi driver) but, is not OK with a loved one….it escalates the fight and piles up more bad feelings and resentment.
Why not say: “Let’s stop, I don’t feel like continuing on this way” and change what you are doing: go for a walk, prepare a cup of tea, put the laundry to wash…
Then, you can get back and say: “Still we need to talk about the issues, how do you feel like now?” Of course, if you get a hostile look, or silence, it’s time to do something else and wait for the mood to change.
we will go back to the last part of your message, because we need to understand first how to do listening to the other person, before expecting and claiming to the other person to do it to us…right?

[norafem]

In reply to Doug: (DID you see this answer posted before?)
Submitted on 2011/12/07 at 5:00 pm
i really need the repair maybe even a resurrection have been separated for 15 months with next to no positive interaction alot is my fault because i am so angry for what has happened the slapping insults and accusations i cant talk with her about how i feel.

Dear Doug,
Submitted on 2011/12/08 at 12:28 pm |
this is exactly the situation we have been willing to help….Let me invite you to have a little compassion for yourself. Even if, and it is a big if, you were solely responsible for the break up, now you need to see yourself in a more compassionate way.
Write down your own aspects that were hurting the relationship, one by one. Get a hard look at those behaviors…Read one by one in loud voice, but now say: I did “…… “, (mention the behavior) in the past, Now I acknowledge I was wrong, and I forgive myself for that.
Do the exercise a third time, and now, write to the side of each wrong behavior its opposite: how would you describe the positive side of it? what would you do?
Please, keep reading the skills we will share here in the next weeks….Thanks for sharing!

[Anonymous]

Yes I agree if I want listened too then I should listen, which does happen at times and if I dont interrupt and bring the conversation back to the original topic he will always move it around to his job. Perhaps thats when I should move away and do some thing because that starts the frustration building. And I can re focus on the one topic. I do find it hard to take what he has to say seriously though as it seems it is only an opening to get the topic turned around to his job, which is his safe subject and all about him.

[Author]

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